Letter for someone…
21 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in For someone, Healing Tags: forgetting, letting go, Love, sadness
February 15, 2010
For you,
I don’t know where to start – a lot has happened. You’ve hurt me a lot but I know that I’ve hurt you too. I just want you to know that all those three years we have had are so far the best years of my life. You, indeed, kept your promise that all the days that we would be together, you would never fail to make me feel loved. You treated me like a princess and you loved me like I am the best girl in the whole world.
I can still vividly remember how this love story has started. You were my classmate in Comm3 and you were the joker of the class. You always crack corny and senseless jokes but I still often find myself laughing. I had a crush on one of our classmates then but when you started sitting beside me, walking me to my next class, and spending time with me, I forgot about that other classmate and got a crush on you instead. I was so jealous when you came along with someone else to the play the whole class was supposed to watch. They teased you hard and I had to tease you also so they wouldn’t notice that some green-eyed monster is attacking me. I distanced myself to you after that; but you got the thing of always making your way back to me. Soon after, we were back to being close friends again. You shared with me a lot of things about you and a lot of things about life too! But I always secretly look forward to you walking me to my Math class. I love walking with you. I don’t know why. It seemed like we’ve already walked around the whole UP Diliman campus.
Summer after that 2nd semester of 2005, you told me that you wanted me to be your classmate again and that you’d enroll yourself in whatever GE I would be taking but I had to enroll in Math instead so we could not be classmates. But you still found ways to be able to walk me to my class or walk me to the Ilang-Ilang Residence Hall. You used to visit me after your class and you even skipped a class just to fetch me from Math building and to walk me to my dormitory. And the reason you gave me is that there is no class because the prof just got your attendance. Remember our encounter with Daryll?
Then when summer classes were about to end, you told me that you love me. I was shocked! Part of me is expecting it but part of me is still denying that this will happen. We were very close friends and I was so afraid that had it not work out between us, the beautiful friendship we have will be put down the drain also. I said no, because I value our friendship so much but you were so persistent. You said that you would court me so I would allow you to court me! I was holding firmly on my belief then that we should not be together because I didn’t want to lose you.
Then, on the start of 1st semester SY 2006-2007, you invited me to attend a mass at the Antipolo Church. I decided to go with you. We then went to the “Hinulugang Taktak” after the mass. We were chatting and laughing and you told me that I should stop teasing you about your ex or else you’d kiss me. I thought you were kidding, or maybe not, but I continued talking about her. And then, you indeed kissed me! My real first kiss. I’ve never felt anything like that before. Like the whole world is spinning around me and I can suddenly smell the roses and the sound of waterfalls suddenly became music to my ears. I can’t look at you after our very first kiss because I know that my face is so red I might freak you out and also because I know that right then and there, I realized you’re special to me already – whether I like it or not. I hardly slept that night, or maybe I wasn’t able to sleep at all. The next day (I remember that we were in Bulwagang Claro M. Recto in the Faculty Center), I told you that I was giving you permission to court me. You were so happy! That one kiss started it all.
We’re good friends since our first year in college (2nd sem). And even when you’re already courting me, we still remain as very close friends. Then on December 15, 2006, right after the UP Lantern Parade that tuned into a mobilization against TOFI, at exactly 9:11PM I agreed to be your girlfriend! And we were so blissfully happy on all the days that followed.
You were my confidant, my adviser, my study buddy, my friend, and the love of my life!
Everything seems to be so perfect between us. Like you always say, I seemed to be made just right for you. I’ve loved you with all my heart and soul. I thought I was already living my fairy tale and that you were the prince I’ve been waiting for since I was a kid when I first got the concept of “happily ever after”. Life is so beautiful and full of love until some act of fate suddenly changed everything – a heart-stopping twist.
Today would have been our 3 years and 2 months together, but we never get to celebrate it. You had to break up with me after our 3rd anniversary – some days after Christmas and a few days before New Year. It really hurt like hell – especially when you had to do it by a phone call. And you were so mad at me that time because I talked to the girl that ruined our otherwise beautiful relationship. Yes, I talked to her because I wanted to know what she wanted, what are her plans because I was in deep pain already. I was your girlfriend but she was carrying your child and it’s not the best feeling in the world. I wanted to die but I didn’t want to leave you so I tried to hold on. But all my efforts are futile. I begged and I cried but to no avail. You decided to live with her, and left me hanging just like that. I remember the festive moods of the people around me then. The season emphasized my sadness because they were all so happy and I am the only one who was so miserable and crying that time. You’ve left me when you told me that you wouldn’t.
I feel so alone inside the house, literally and figuratively. Life is so empty since you left me for that girl. But I kept quiet or I tried to but did not succeed. Moving on is not the easiest thing to do especially when at the back of my mind, I’m thinking that there is still a probability, no matter how small, that I might let go too soon. Still I held on; until you pushed me away by continuously hurting me with all your harsh and heartless e-mail and text messages. But until now, I’m still thinking (or hoping) that you’re not the one who has been sending all those, that you can’t do all that to me. But then again, I’m not sure anymore. But whenever you came and visited me, you always tell me that you still love me more than you love her. Or is it a lie? But you’ve lied so many times that I’m now so confused which one to believe and which one to ignore.
Whenever I see you (at times when you visit me), I can see the loneliness in your eyes and it really hurts because I know that I can no longer do anything about it. You’re not mine now. And you’re the one who decided for yourself; you chose to be with her. And it hurts that no matter how much I wanted to take care of you, to ease your burden, to help you with your problems, to at least make you smile, and to make you feel better, I just can’t do it anymore. Somebody else has to do all those to you now – not me. And you’re the one who decided that you’re better off that way. It hurts.
Whenever I talk to you, I always pretend to be angry because that way, I wouldn’t be caught off guard if you yell and get mad at me for talking to you or to protect myself from the pain brought about by your coldness. You were so warm to me then but now you were suddenly so damn cold and mean! But who am I kidding?
I wanted to know if you’re okay. I wanted to listen to your problems. I wanted you to cry your heart out with me. I wanted to tell you that everything will be alright, that these will soon pass. I wanted to tell you that someday it will gonna make sense. I wanted to hug you while rubbing your back. I wanted to make you feel loved. But I just can’t do all these anymore no matter how much I wanted to. Because I know that you wouldn’t let me. You wanted her to do all these to you. Everything has changed now. Only, my feelings haven’t and it’s causing me much suffering and pain.
I have to accept the plain cold truth – YOU’RE GONE! And that you’re gone for good because there is no way you will be making a comeback.
Cindy
PS. I still love you despite everything. How I wish I don’t feel this way anymore. Soon..
